This and That
- And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- My friend said to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No, it doesn't."
- Why do my brain cells, skin cells, and hair cells continue to die, but my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life?
A bank robber pulled out a gun and threatened the teller, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replied, "Did you mean to say ‘or you're history’?" The robber said, "Don't change the subject!"
I Now Pronounce You . . .
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they wondered about the pronunciation of the town. They had different opinions and the conversation soon turned into an argument. As they arrived in town, they stopped for a quick lunch. At the counter, they asked an employee to settle their argument by slowly and articulately pronouncing their locale. The employee leaned in and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
- I set up a profile on a new website. I tried to use the password BeefStew, but the site didn’t allow it because it wasn’t stroganoff.
- I changed all my passwords to “incorrect.” Now whenever I forget it, the system message tells me that my password is incorrect.
- The website informed me I needed a password with eight characters, so I chose “DocGrumpyHappySleepyBashfulSneezyDopeyEeyore.”
- I tried using “SevenDays” as a password. The site responded, “Not strong enough; password is week, er, weak.”
- Mom to son at his computer: “How can you remember 31 passwords but always forget to pick up your clothes, clean your dishes, and do your homework?”
- One of the greatest joys of having grandchildren is having someone who knows how to reset my passwords.
- I wonder how many wives use their anniversary date as passwords for online shopping accounts, questioning their husband’s ability to remember it.
- If you need a smile, change the name of your iPod device to “The Titanic” and download some songs. Be amused by the fact that the Titanic is syncing.
Doctors, I Depreciate Your Input
A hospital administrator asked for input from each department concerning a proposal to build a statue of himself in the lobby.
- The allergists voted to scratch it.
- The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
- The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
- The radiologists could see right through it.
- The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
- The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
- The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
- The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
- The pathologist yelled, "Over my dead body."
- The pediatrician said, "Grow up!"
- The plastic surgeon said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
- The podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
- The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
- The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.